Workplace Monsters (2): The Vampire Boss

“He survives on the happiness that he sucks out of your life.”

He can not help it, as he has been made that way by the creator. The wiring in his brain asks him to do things which a normal human being wouldn’t even consider- He asks you to work hard, while giving you a tough task in an impossible timeline. Once you have done the hard ( and smart) work, this vampire takes over. Now, he lets the whole world know that it was in fact him who made this impossible thing possible. If he even makes a passing reference abut you, you must feel very lucky. For the vampire, it is all about I, me and myself. Don’t believe me? OK, just count the number of times he says ‘I’ in ten sentences he speaks. 

“He doesn’t exist in the world, the world exists for him.”

He is the Count Dracula- the Master Vampire, so there must be minions around him. The minions have their minds connected with their master, who  commands them. With time, the minions forget completely that their minds can work independently as well. If you are a normal human being and a decent worker, the Vampire will come for you. The minions must be keeping a watch on you.

He is all about controlling. If you are independent minded, he has few tricks up his sleeves.  The easiest thing is to give you tasks without assigning resources for it.

He is an alpha male,  or at least tries to be. The HR people call him a type A personality. So, if you are one handsome popular guy with a straight back, watch out for the blood sucker to make a silent but crippling attack, like an assignment for six months at a God forsaken place. How dare you be popular among the ladies! Huh!

He is a showman. To be honest, he is good in it, a real method actor. He is capable of playing so many roles when facing his own boss, like-

That he is so devoted to work;

That he exists for the organization;

And, how he is trying hard to realize his boss’ vision;

His other performances take place infront of his subordinates, where he would clearly convey –

That he owns you;

That it is because of him, the organization is still standing;

That he has sacrificed so much for the organization.

He is your boss, so it is his right to find out complicated solution, even if you have a simpler alternative. If he accepts your simple solution, it will prove his uselessness to the world, which he understands quite well.

So, if you have a vampire boss, stay safe, and watch your back.

(Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction. If you find any similarity with the character in question, this is just a coincidence)

Workplace Monsters(1): The Haunted Spirit

             “ She is herself haunted, yet she will haunt you.”

Animal Sign: Jellyfish

Supernatural Sign: The Maleficent 

The Haunted Spirit at your workplace may not necessarily be a female. A man may equally be haunted and a tormentor. However, for the sake of simplicity, this specimen Spirit here is a ‘she’.

This Spirit is typically in the middle to upper management position in an organization, is hardworking to the extent of being a workaholic, and she is very plain and simple in appearance. She is hardly ever interested in dressing up, and hates parties and socialization. If you dig deeper, you would see a wounded personality, troubled by personal issues in life. There might have been a rocky marriage, disloyal partner, unhappy childhood, or anything which had aggravated her already suspicious nature into a personality disorder. Now she doesn’t trust even her own shadow.

Coming to the point of her behavior towards her colleagues and subordinates at the workplace-. Here are a few things, she would typically do- 

1. As she is trying to be consumed by work, she comes to the workplace before time. She has to leave the sad place called home. Naturally, she also leaves office late in the evening. 

2. She is not into shouting. She will wait for you to make a mistake and will then move for the kill, while conveying you, in a mild manner, how you had left her no choice. She will sound extremely apologetic, but will fix you nevertheless.

3. She has been haunted herself, but does not have the positive DNA to rise above her own miserablity. She feels miserable, and wants others to feel the same as well. To meet this end, she would make very subtle efforts to make your life a living hell. For her, you are a frog in a pot full of water. All she has to do is to light the fire, so you can be boiled ever so slowly. And while you are being boiled, she would tell you how sorry she is that she has to do this to you.

4. If you are a person who has a happy family, and for that reason you want to leave office on time, she will make sure that you can not do so. She will find minuscule mistakes in your work, forcing you to redo it, while she will keep playing a perfectionist.

5. She never takes a stand before her own seniors and bosses, and is always a yes man(woman). If you go to them to complain about her sadistic ways, they will be surprised, as she is this mild mannered, gentle and obedient creature for them.

So, how do you survive the situation, if you are unlucky enough to be in the vicinity of such a haunted Spirit? Well, there are a few tips that may be useful-

1. No dressing up-. No dressing smart in the office as she would take the clue that you are happy, and will start plotting to take out the colour out of your cheeks. Take out your old, faded, oversized trousers and put them on, day after day. Even better, if they are crumbled.

2. When in front of her, your shoulders should be stooping, back should be slouching, and face saddened. You should look miserable overall.

3. Try to be below her radar all the time. If you do not have to face her whole day, it is an ideal situation.

4. Laughing out loud in front of her-? Forget it. The word ‘laughter’ should not be in your dictionary.

5. Never talk about your happy personal life. She will curse you, and will do everything in her power to make sure that your life doesn’t remain happy after that.

6 If you have committed a mistake, keep it to yourself. She is not of the forgiving kind. If you have confessed before her, you are gone. Though she might be looking sad while sacking you, but make no mistake- she must be having orgasmic pleasure deep inside.

If you have the bad luck to be working with such a moving packet of negativity, take the above prescribed small steps. It might help in warding off the haunted Spirit at the workplace.

Best of Luck!

( Coming soon- The Vampire Boss. Stay tuned)

Disclaimer : The above piece of writing is a work of fiction, in the genre of dark humour. Any resemblance, either with the Spirit or those who were possessed and fell victim, is coincidental.